A dream with a fairy touches my heart

Yet another restless night. This time though I had a vivid dream about Steff. It left me deeply touched and thoughtful all day. In my dream we were meeting coincidently again after all those years. We stood on Kuhstrasse about to part when I took the courage to confess my feelings for her, being sure that I will not see her again anyway. As I was about to say the last 3 important words she spoke them herself, leaving me surprised and immensely happy. We hugged and kissed and the scenery changed... in my doze I kept returning to Steff, making up varies scenes of life with her, holding on to the comfort of unconditional love.

picture source: http:\\www.wallippo.com

All day I could not stop thinking about Steff and also that dream. One side in me is highly embarrassed about that drawing I gave as a leaving present with a secret message on the back. As immature as I was in those days it leaves me cringing in the present times. What a fool!! Wonder if that message has ever been found? On the other hand I’d like to think that Steff may have had a memory and therefore we were connected through our dreams? Each time I have a particular vivid dream I keep thinking that such dreams are not a coincidence and that the other person may have a similar vivid dream about me.

Whether that thesis is right or wrong, maybe it is just a matter of believing. Either way, this dream triggered a lot of emotional thoughts, leaving me heavy hearted all day. One thought that I miss love, deep love that does not need compromises. Despite having found deep love in G (we had all the happiness in the world), yet all seems pretty disastrous. We still love each other, but because of all the arguments, disagreements and pain a lot of our love has had strong blows to the foundation. I sadly have to admit that despite my love for her, the love I feel has changed to a very different level. And daily life is just a matter of set routines it seems, with frequent clinging attacks from G because she realises how bad daily life has become.

Another thought took me to disappointment. In my dream Steff was taking care of me no matter what. I felt absolutely secure and safe, did not have to worry about anything. Totally relaxed. Just be and enjoy, in good or bad, which is exactly what I cannot\must not do when with G. I realised that G actually hardly took care of me on such a deep level. Sure she was there every day, filling up my drinks, cooking dinners and listening to my rants as long as I was not getting too wound up. But I feel disappointed because I took care of her all these years on all levels. I listened to all her stories from work or spiritual gatherings which grew more boring over time as they seem to repeat themselves over and over. More and more problems came up in her life, she had constant stress at work with colleagues bullying her daily. I still listened. I was still there for her. Even when she was in a strange mood or grumpy with me. I made her coffees and yummy lunchboxes with little surprises. I reassured her in bad times and sorted countless of things out for her to relax and no need to worry. She knows that she can always rely on me, that I will always be her rock. I took her hand many a times to take her out for the day. Drive her somewhere nice, spoiling her with treats and dinner. She never had to worry where we went, how to get there, schedules or oragnisationwise. She could completely trust me and I was proud and enjoying to spoil her.

6 years later nothing of such kind has been returned. She makes sandwhiches without lettuce, no little surprise chocolates. When I am having a bad day and simply need a hug and reassurance that she’ll take care of it, I get moaned at or worse. She never took my hand and said: whatever happens today, I’ll sort it out. Which means, I was never able to fully relax and just trust her. I always had to be the driver, researcher, decision-maker or part-organiser.

Until today I did not realise how much that actually burdened me, how heavy my head and shoulders feel, because I cannot fully rely on her, that she will 100% take care of me. Little things as I said she’ll do, and other stuff out of duty. But important occasions to affirm our trust and bond have been missing. Added to our relationship problems it weighs heavier than otherwise.

Now it is evening again and I am missing Steff. I cannot wait to drift away in dreamland again, curling up in her arms, knowing that no matter what she’ll be there for me. Feeling that I am wanted and loved.

Care when you love or love when you care

Ever heard of someone that has been criticised or disliked for caring too much? Well, I hope they are hard to find for humanities sake. But I am sadly one of them it seems. At least I have had some serious issues caused by me caring too much. Or I call it the 'misunderstood-hero-syndrome'.

The Oxforddictionaries.com state the definition of CARE as follows:

1. the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something. 
2. serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk. 

or

1. feel concern or interest
2. look after and provide for the needs of.

Looking at that it sounds pretty positive to me. Certainly something I would like everyone to do and most certainly something I would like my friends and family to do. Caring for me as much as I care for them. Trouble is there are different ways of caring and not all are appreciated.

For instance:

G has been to a spiritual workshop and is feeling very thrilled about how the day went. So she tells me a few fragments of the workshop. Most the spiritual stuff does not interest me yet I do listen as I am keen to take part in her life, because I care about her. However, some of the things she tells me don't make much sense to me. So I ask a lot of questions. I have to admit I am rather sceptical about those spiritual ideas for reasons I explain in a different post. But even so, I do ask all these questions because I am curious about those thoughts and ideas of hers (although many a times it seems she just copies other peoples phrases) and most of all I would like to understand G better. I care about her and her life, what's in it and around it. But I am not someone that just nods and then changes topic, I like to know more and keep new ideas in my head. Because I care.

or

My wife complaints about continuous pain in her shoulder. Because I care I then ask why her shoulder hurts, if she knows what the pain is caused from? No conclusion there. I offer a massage which she refuses. The following week she repeats the complaints so I suggest going to the doctor to find out. Meanwhile I have been watching her habits more closely to try and find a potential answer myself. I begin to suspect bad posture, no exercise leaving muscels and body structure weak in combination with frequent lifting from bad positions at work. She does not go to the doctor but continues to mention the pain in her shoulder. I feel sorry for her being in pain all the time but equally get annoyed why she is not doing anything about it as it gives her such a discomfort. So in the end I start nagging. She dislikes that and becomes stubborn. Certainly nothing will get done about the shoulder now. Instead she grows annoyed with me for pestering her and not letting it go. But why mention it in the first place when you don't want me to care?

or

G has had yet another horrible time at work. She has been accused of not keeping to Safe Guarding regulations and has had a chat with the manager about that incident. From her telling it sounds as yet another bully-story, set up by her colleagues to hide their own mistakes. I grow angry, since this keeps happening. I am angry at her colleagues for being so nasty to my lovely G, who is so gentle and kind to everyone. But that 'weakness' is being misused regularly by her team. I am also angry at her for letting this happen over and over again. Why is she taking the blame so easily and not telling her manager how it really went? To avoid any more conflict of course. To have it easier. A false logic to me and I try and tell her as much. But she does not want to hear and gets angry with me for telling her off. Actually I was only trying to help, show my anger in solidarity to her and giving advice in hope such situations will not happen again. She takes it the wrong way. For her it is personal criticism. But I just care about her. I want her to be happy and enjoy her job. I don't care about her work so long she's OK. She cannot see it like that.

or

Problems in our relationship arise. Communications gets bad. Many months later things get worse and worse, horrible arguments leaving us wounded and damaged. Most of the discussions are instigated by me, because I care. I want those problems solved and I am convinced that only by talking to each other we can work our way through feedback and understanding. G does not see it like that, rather than me trying to pick fights all the time. She is angry with me for that, for ruining all those precious days that could have been nice. Yet I am trying to analyse and solve those problems because I care. I put all that energy and effort into our relationship because I care. I am not picking fights, I am trying to make you understand, trying to help you see what I see.
 

source: myawesomequotes.com

None of that is appreciated. Much the opposite. My care is turned into something unbearable and negative. I am now aggressive, because I get emotional. G, I get emotional because I care. Because it really touches me what has been said and done, I feel the same pain as you do and yet I am not looking away! I am willing to give my life for you, give everything I have to make things better. My way of doing this might not be the best, but any invitation of putting your suggestions forward have been trashed. Not a single attempt from your side of trying to solve this.

Not a single attempt from you to understand me, us. 

I care, do you? Show me that you care!

Show me a different way of caring if you don't like the way I am doing it. Teach me a better way. But surely the simple fact that I do care is massively important and not the worst thing in our relationship. If I would not care, I would have walked out many moons ago. Don't you realise?  think you are worth the struggle and fight, I love you so much. However, constant disapproval of my care is going to lead to caring less. Is that really what you want me to learn? Caring less is the answer and solution? I cannot believe that! I will not believe that!

To use the dictionary's definition:
I want to look after and provide for the needs of you G. I am fully committed but that only works when I am allowed to care. When I am allowed to love you my way. If you don't want me to care for you then reduce the damage and simply go. Stop hurting me. Care or go.