Care when you love or love when you care

Ever heard of someone that has been criticised or disliked for caring too much? Well, I hope they are hard to find for humanities sake. But I am sadly one of them it seems. At least I have had some serious issues caused by me caring too much. Or I call it the 'misunderstood-hero-syndrome'.

The Oxforddictionaries.com state the definition of CARE as follows:

1. the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something. 
2. serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk. 

or

1. feel concern or interest
2. look after and provide for the needs of.

Looking at that it sounds pretty positive to me. Certainly something I would like everyone to do and most certainly something I would like my friends and family to do. Caring for me as much as I care for them. Trouble is there are different ways of caring and not all are appreciated.

For instance:

G has been to a spiritual workshop and is feeling very thrilled about how the day went. So she tells me a few fragments of the workshop. Most the spiritual stuff does not interest me yet I do listen as I am keen to take part in her life, because I care about her. However, some of the things she tells me don't make much sense to me. So I ask a lot of questions. I have to admit I am rather sceptical about those spiritual ideas for reasons I explain in a different post. But even so, I do ask all these questions because I am curious about those thoughts and ideas of hers (although many a times it seems she just copies other peoples phrases) and most of all I would like to understand G better. I care about her and her life, what's in it and around it. But I am not someone that just nods and then changes topic, I like to know more and keep new ideas in my head. Because I care.

or

My wife complaints about continuous pain in her shoulder. Because I care I then ask why her shoulder hurts, if she knows what the pain is caused from? No conclusion there. I offer a massage which she refuses. The following week she repeats the complaints so I suggest going to the doctor to find out. Meanwhile I have been watching her habits more closely to try and find a potential answer myself. I begin to suspect bad posture, no exercise leaving muscels and body structure weak in combination with frequent lifting from bad positions at work. She does not go to the doctor but continues to mention the pain in her shoulder. I feel sorry for her being in pain all the time but equally get annoyed why she is not doing anything about it as it gives her such a discomfort. So in the end I start nagging. She dislikes that and becomes stubborn. Certainly nothing will get done about the shoulder now. Instead she grows annoyed with me for pestering her and not letting it go. But why mention it in the first place when you don't want me to care?

or

G has had yet another horrible time at work. She has been accused of not keeping to Safe Guarding regulations and has had a chat with the manager about that incident. From her telling it sounds as yet another bully-story, set up by her colleagues to hide their own mistakes. I grow angry, since this keeps happening. I am angry at her colleagues for being so nasty to my lovely G, who is so gentle and kind to everyone. But that 'weakness' is being misused regularly by her team. I am also angry at her for letting this happen over and over again. Why is she taking the blame so easily and not telling her manager how it really went? To avoid any more conflict of course. To have it easier. A false logic to me and I try and tell her as much. But she does not want to hear and gets angry with me for telling her off. Actually I was only trying to help, show my anger in solidarity to her and giving advice in hope such situations will not happen again. She takes it the wrong way. For her it is personal criticism. But I just care about her. I want her to be happy and enjoy her job. I don't care about her work so long she's OK. She cannot see it like that.

or

Problems in our relationship arise. Communications gets bad. Many months later things get worse and worse, horrible arguments leaving us wounded and damaged. Most of the discussions are instigated by me, because I care. I want those problems solved and I am convinced that only by talking to each other we can work our way through feedback and understanding. G does not see it like that, rather than me trying to pick fights all the time. She is angry with me for that, for ruining all those precious days that could have been nice. Yet I am trying to analyse and solve those problems because I care. I put all that energy and effort into our relationship because I care. I am not picking fights, I am trying to make you understand, trying to help you see what I see.
 

source: myawesomequotes.com

None of that is appreciated. Much the opposite. My care is turned into something unbearable and negative. I am now aggressive, because I get emotional. G, I get emotional because I care. Because it really touches me what has been said and done, I feel the same pain as you do and yet I am not looking away! I am willing to give my life for you, give everything I have to make things better. My way of doing this might not be the best, but any invitation of putting your suggestions forward have been trashed. Not a single attempt from your side of trying to solve this.

Not a single attempt from you to understand me, us. 

I care, do you? Show me that you care!

Show me a different way of caring if you don't like the way I am doing it. Teach me a better way. But surely the simple fact that I do care is massively important and not the worst thing in our relationship. If I would not care, I would have walked out many moons ago. Don't you realise?  think you are worth the struggle and fight, I love you so much. However, constant disapproval of my care is going to lead to caring less. Is that really what you want me to learn? Caring less is the answer and solution? I cannot believe that! I will not believe that!

To use the dictionary's definition:
I want to look after and provide for the needs of you G. I am fully committed but that only works when I am allowed to care. When I am allowed to love you my way. If you don't want me to care for you then reduce the damage and simply go. Stop hurting me. Care or go.