A dream with a fairy touches my heart

Yet another restless night. This time though I had a vivid dream about Steff. It left me deeply touched and thoughtful all day. In my dream we were meeting coincidently again after all those years. We stood on Kuhstrasse about to part when I took the courage to confess my feelings for her, being sure that I will not see her again anyway. As I was about to say the last 3 important words she spoke them herself, leaving me surprised and immensely happy. We hugged and kissed and the scenery changed... in my doze I kept returning to Steff, making up varies scenes of life with her, holding on to the comfort of unconditional love.

picture source: http:\\www.wallippo.com

All day I could not stop thinking about Steff and also that dream. One side in me is highly embarrassed about that drawing I gave as a leaving present with a secret message on the back. As immature as I was in those days it leaves me cringing in the present times. What a fool!! Wonder if that message has ever been found? On the other hand I’d like to think that Steff may have had a memory and therefore we were connected through our dreams? Each time I have a particular vivid dream I keep thinking that such dreams are not a coincidence and that the other person may have a similar vivid dream about me.

Whether that thesis is right or wrong, maybe it is just a matter of believing. Either way, this dream triggered a lot of emotional thoughts, leaving me heavy hearted all day. One thought that I miss love, deep love that does not need compromises. Despite having found deep love in G (we had all the happiness in the world), yet all seems pretty disastrous. We still love each other, but because of all the arguments, disagreements and pain a lot of our love has had strong blows to the foundation. I sadly have to admit that despite my love for her, the love I feel has changed to a very different level. And daily life is just a matter of set routines it seems, with frequent clinging attacks from G because she realises how bad daily life has become.

Another thought took me to disappointment. In my dream Steff was taking care of me no matter what. I felt absolutely secure and safe, did not have to worry about anything. Totally relaxed. Just be and enjoy, in good or bad, which is exactly what I cannot\must not do when with G. I realised that G actually hardly took care of me on such a deep level. Sure she was there every day, filling up my drinks, cooking dinners and listening to my rants as long as I was not getting too wound up. But I feel disappointed because I took care of her all these years on all levels. I listened to all her stories from work or spiritual gatherings which grew more boring over time as they seem to repeat themselves over and over. More and more problems came up in her life, she had constant stress at work with colleagues bullying her daily. I still listened. I was still there for her. Even when she was in a strange mood or grumpy with me. I made her coffees and yummy lunchboxes with little surprises. I reassured her in bad times and sorted countless of things out for her to relax and no need to worry. She knows that she can always rely on me, that I will always be her rock. I took her hand many a times to take her out for the day. Drive her somewhere nice, spoiling her with treats and dinner. She never had to worry where we went, how to get there, schedules or oragnisationwise. She could completely trust me and I was proud and enjoying to spoil her.

6 years later nothing of such kind has been returned. She makes sandwhiches without lettuce, no little surprise chocolates. When I am having a bad day and simply need a hug and reassurance that she’ll take care of it, I get moaned at or worse. She never took my hand and said: whatever happens today, I’ll sort it out. Which means, I was never able to fully relax and just trust her. I always had to be the driver, researcher, decision-maker or part-organiser.

Until today I did not realise how much that actually burdened me, how heavy my head and shoulders feel, because I cannot fully rely on her, that she will 100% take care of me. Little things as I said she’ll do, and other stuff out of duty. But important occasions to affirm our trust and bond have been missing. Added to our relationship problems it weighs heavier than otherwise.

Now it is evening again and I am missing Steff. I cannot wait to drift away in dreamland again, curling up in her arms, knowing that no matter what she’ll be there for me. Feeling that I am wanted and loved.